


Why isn't this self-explanatory?

by DimensionWarper



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avenger!Peter, Ceiling Vent Clint Barton, Clint plays pranks, Coulson is a shipper, Crack, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Fluff, Fury knits, Gen, Humor, Loki and Wade are BFFs, Loki is also a little shit, M/M, Mentions of Smut, Natasha and Bucky are bros, No vision, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Phil Coulson is a saint, Phil Coulson is tired of the Avengers bullshit, The Avengers are immature little shits, They don't pay poor Phil Coulson enough, Tony runs a smut blog, we love them anyway
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-14 00:13:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 4,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5722354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DimensionWarper/pseuds/DimensionWarper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil doesn't even understand why these are even on the list of rules for the Avengers. He thought that the only teenager on the team was Spider-Man.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

1\. Please no more dead flies in Peter's bed. I don't know who did it but if I get any more complaints about it I will send you all off on a mission to Antartica.

2\. Spider jokes, when used to insult, are prohibited.

3\. The same goes for bird or raccoon jokes. (Seriously Tony? Barnes is one of the worlds best assassins.)

4\. Animal jokes in general are now banned.

5\. Having a metal prosthesis with superhuman strength and the ability to punch through walls does not give you the right to punch through said walls when you feel like it without a good reason. Being "pissed at Tony" does not qualify as an appropriate reason.

6\. When asked what your plans for the future are "world domination" is not an appropriate answer. Seriously Clint, the press had a field day.

7\. Wade is not allowed within a 50 mile radius of the tower if Peter isn't there. Seriously, the "Night of the Living Chimichangas" was the last straw.

8\. No more fanfiction. Just no. Never again. The shipping wars almost destroyed an entire floor and Pepper nearly quit.

9\. Before battle strategy meetings do not mean "make out and grope each other" this goes for all of you (Barnes epecially, you and Rogers get way too vocal.)

10\. Wild animals should not be purchased by any members of the Avengers. Bringing them back to the tower and setting them free is absolutely not allowed (the incident with the monkey is not to be mentioned ever again).


	2. Chapter 2

1\. Tony, hand in the lightsaber. 

2\. When someone is annoying you, wrapping them in a cocoon of webbing is not an appropriate response. Seriously, I don't care if the question was "really fucking rude, Phil c'mon you can't punish me for that" the reporter still filed a lawsuit.

3\. Barnes when in public, keep the details of your bedroom activities to your self. This goes for you too Rogers.

4\. If whoever gave Deadpool glitter steps forward now I might be merciful.

5\. The Avengers are not allowed to compete in any local sports tournament. Natasha you're supposed to be responsible. Please, please, please, no more lawsuits.

6\. The folowing subjects are now banned from press conferences: Nazi dinosaurs, Nazi zombies, bedroom activities, Steve's ass, and birds of prey.

7\. Deadpool is also banned from press conferences.

8\. Clint, you cannot keep the hawk. 

9\. Steve and Natasha are the only people, other than Peter, that are allowed to touch Peters webshooters. Tony is not allowed within a 10 foot radius of them and and they should stay out of sight of Clint at all times (the Spider-Hawk incident was too much).

10\. Vodka-drinking competitions are most definately banned (Natasha, Steve, and Bucky can drink anyone under the table anyway).


	3. Chapter 3

1\. When a reporter asks a homophobic question loudly making out with your boyfriend is both ill advised and immature.

2\. Deadpool and Darcy Lewis are not allowed to be in the same room together without either Peter or Natasha's supervision.

3\. Whoever gve Darcy the expirimental photon cannon, WHY DID YOU THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA!?! She "accidentally" blew a hole in the side of the fucking Helicarrier!

4\. The Avengers are also not allowed to compete in game shows.

5\. Tony you cannot sponser an Avengers version of "American Ninja Warrior".

6\. Barnes please stop telling Tony about the time you slept with his father. He already has enough problems as is.

7\. Whoever is filling the Iron Man suits with rust remover please stop. He's already filed fourty seven complaints with SHIELD and I can't take it anymore.

8\. The SHIELD complaints department is now off limits to the Avengers until further notice.

9\. Bruce is not allowed to drink Asgardian liquor.

10\. Clint, I don't even know where you managed to procure three hundred assorted spiders, but get them out of Peters bedroom or your next mission will be to the middle of the Sahara desert.


	4. Chapter 4

1\. When someone asks a question you don't like sticking your tongue out at them is not an appropriate respones. Seriously Tony, you're making the Avengers look like children.

2\. Death threats are also not appropriate answers to rude questions. 

3\. Neither are threats of bodily harm. (Legal is demanding a raise and the budget is tight as is. We cannot deal with the amount of lawsuits you create). 

4\. Wade Wilson is not an Avenger and therefore does not have the authority to make other people members of the Avengers initiative.

5\. Stealing twenty live hedge-hogs "for shits and giggles" is both prohibited and a really bad idea.

6\. Pepper must now be present at all press-related activities.

7\. "Drunk Science" is absolutely forbidden.

8\. Drunk shooting, drunk knife throwing and drunk Avenging are all banned and never to be spoken of again.

9\. Stop asking Stark to make you arrows that are "totally necessary" for Avenging unless they are actually needed, this includes the flour bomb arrow, the hair dye arrow and the alarm clock arrow (you left one of those in the vents and it kept beeping for weeks, we had to evacuate twice because some of the younger agents thought it was a bomb).

10\. Tony, the Avengers-theme smut blog has to be deleted. I mean it (but if you could send me the links to some of those Stucky fics I might not tell Fury).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to YaoiGirl161 for her inspiring comment. All the comments and kudos mean so, so much to me, I love you all. : )


	5. Chapter 5

1\. Posting pictures of your fellow teammates online without their permission is both hazardous to your health and not permitted (Clint I don't even want to know what you were doing in the vents above Barnes and Rogers' room, but posting explicit images online of Captain America and the Winter Soldier is probably going to end badly for you, I would start running now if I were you.).

2\. Tony, you cannot teach Thor what sexting is.

3\. Clint I don't know how or why you stole all of my paper files and replaced them with pictures of birds but I do know that I need them back.

4\. Please stop jumpscaring Peter. The last time you startled him he wouldn't come down from the ceiling for six hours.

5\. Stop trying to convert Thor to Christianity. Seriously, knock it off Clint.

6\. I am not a zombie. Please stop spreading rumors.

7\. Director Fury is not hiding anything under his eye patch.

8\. Tony you cannot buy any more companies. You already own Doritos, Starbucks, Facebook and Stark Industries.

9\. Darcy is not allowed to bring her taser into the Avengers tower afted she tasered Tony for the nineteenth time.

10\. Knife throwing does not qualify as a team-building exercise. Especially when your teammates are holding the targets.


	6. Chapter 6

1\. Wade cannot make sex tapes of Peter eating tacos or chimichangas. (How does that even qualify as a sex tape anyway?) Kudos to OutlawQueenAsLove for the idea.

2\. Tony you have to secure your suits when you go somewhere. The clean-up of the Iron Deadpool incident cost us over three million dollars in damages.

3\. Wade cannot answer any questions meant for the Avengers.

4\. The Fantastic Four are the Fantastic Four, not the fake Avengers.

5\. Peter, you have a bed. Sleep in it. A giant web is not a good substitute.

6\. Natasha, when someone attempts to sneak up on you try not to shock them with your Widows Bites. That agent is still traumatized.

7\. I was just informed of how number one qualifies as a sex tape. You know that there is such a thing as too much information, even for as secret agent. I really don't need to know about your ''sexcapades''.

8\. Chopsticks are banned from the tower.

9\. If Peter is being obnoxious you can't send him off to the X-Men. Wade always tags along and pisses off Logan and I'm getting compaints about the amount of blood on the carpet.

10\. Tony, you do not need a room for Avengers merchandise.


	7. Chapter 7

1\. Wade is not allowed to online-shop anymore.

2\. Natasha, please remove Steves nude drawings of James from where ever you hid them around the Helicarrier. They are very distracting.

3\. Steve and James please stop trolling the new recruits. There was no such things as Nazi Zombies.

4\. Singing Fall Out Boy lyrics at the top of your lungs during undercover missions is unadvised.

5\. Never underestimate Pepper.

6\. Bruce and Tony are not allowed to "help" with Peters homework. Instead of letting him Google black holes like every one else you literally created a black hole in your lab. Why SHIELD lets you have this much power I have no idea.

7\. Never touch Bruces coffee machine if you want to live.

8\. Barnes please stop shooting things when something startles you. This is why we can't have nice things.

9\. The manufacture of glitter bombs is prohibited. I expect that you will dispose of all of them.

10\. Disposing of the glitter bombs absolutely does not mean giving them to Darcy Lewis. She "accidentally" set one off, covering Director Fury, her ex and the foreign dignity he was showing around the Triskelion in a shower of glitter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Numbers nine and ten are the brainchild of DrakeBorn. I simply adapted them.
> 
>  
> 
> The lovely, fantastic, amazing, Shotthroughttheheart wrote a fic based off of rule number 4!!!! Read it here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7290631


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello children! Sorry for being gone for so long. *hides behind chapter as you throw rotten fruit*

1\. Keep Deadpool as far away from the Asgardian liquor as possible.

2\. If Natasha says somewhere is a good place to go on vacation be wary.

3\. On an unrelated note, Natalie Rushman is now banned from Cyprus.

4\. Never underestimate Bruce.

5\. Tony, you cannot make adjustments to Seargent Barnes' arm during routine maintenance without his permission. He accidentally tazed Bruce.

6\. Clint is not allowed to have flaming arrows anymore after he "accidentally" set Director Fury on fire.

7\. We are not fictional characters no-matter what Wade says.

8\. Natasha, you cannot break into Fort Knox "for fun". 

9\. Confetti is banned from the tower.

10\. Prank wars are banned now and forever.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello children! I apologize for the lateness of this chapter but school and the lack of sleep that comes with being an internet person has drained me of my creativity. Numbers one through three came from YaoiGirl161. Love ya!

1\. No. No more alternate reality Deadpools Wade. Put them back. We now have twenty-three Deadpools and the amount of chaos and chimichangas they are causing is ridiculous.

2\. As Sif and the Warriors Three are arriving tonight I expect you all to be on your best behavior.

3\. Natasha and Sif should not be approached when they are visibly angry and especially not when they are angry with you.

4\. Sock-skating tournaments are banned after Bruce broke a toe and released the Hulk by accident.

5\. Impromptu dance breaks in the middle of a battle are not allowed.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im really, really sorry that this is so late.

1\. Yelling random words in the middle of important situations is not allowed. "Universe!" "What?" "Just ignore it." "Pig!" "Danish!" "Turtle!" "Duck!" "---Ow!" (Idea from the lovely PoppyseedPomphrey)

2\. No more theme songs.

3\. For your own safety, please stop insulting Director Furys knitting.

4\. Natasha, please stop changing Captain America to 'Grandpa Frisbee' on all official SHIELD documents.

5\. Bruce, I understand that getting Tony to sleep is important, but could you please stop drugging his coffee in an attempt to get him to go to bed.

6\. Never play poker with Natasha. You will lose. Spectacularly.

7\. Steve, please stop hot-wiring the Quinjets.

8\. The Avengers are now banned from the zoo. (The incident with Thor and the leopard was the last straw.)

9\. Please stop making attempts at stealing Director Fury's eyepatch.

10\. Please return the 10,000 Bucky Bears.


	11. Chapter 11

1\. All trips to visit Hank Pym now have to be supervised. The last time I let you roam free in his lab you shrunk Thor.

2\. Peter, please stop sleeping upside down hanging from the ceiling. It scares Tony when he gets up at midnight.

3\. I don't even know how Wade persuaded Thor to get him a dragon but for the love of god put it back.

4\. DO NOT IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GIVE DARCY THE DRAGON! 

5\. Natasha, please stop changing Director Fury to Angry Pirate in all official documents.

6\. Tony, Steve does not need Life Alert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick question: Should I or should I not put in Loki? Also what do you think about FrostIron?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the results were overwhelmingly for both FrostIron and Loki I have decided to include them both.

As it has come to my attention that Tony has secretly been having sex with Loki behind our backs I have decided that I need to implement a few new rules to ensure that everyone stays both safe, and in line:

1\. Loki, please stop appearing right behind people when they're holding important objects. You caused Pepper to drop, and shatter, a rare vase worth over three million US dollars.

2\. Relating to rule number one, Natasha and Clint, if you could please stop trying to attach a bell to Loki so that you know when he is close, I appreciate your efforts, however it has resulted in the destruction of all bells in a fifty mile radius.

3\. Loki and Wade should never, not under any circumstances, be left alone together without supervision, Clint you do not count as responsible supervision. 

4\. Loki, please refrain from turning any of the Avengers into animal corresponding to their code names as I nearly stepped on Peter in spider form. Clint as an actual hawk was just too much. (The idea for this rule came from the fantabulous FangirlOfPower)

5\. Loki will not be an Avenger any time soon. Please stop asking, Wade.


	13. Chapter 13

1\. Clint, firing arrows at bugs is not an effective form of pest control.

2\. Tony and Loki, please stop making out in public areas. Clint is scarred for life. (The idea for this rule came from the fantastically marvelous salenastarzz.)

3\. Loki and Wade are not allowed to participate in prank wars. 

4\. The Avengers are not allowed to go to the beach without adult supervision due to Thors decision to go skinny-dipping.

5\. I SWEAR TO GOD WHOEVER TAUGHT LOKI ABOUT GLITTER BETTER START RUNNING.


	14. Chapter 14

1\. Wade, whenever who get part of your body stuck in something please don't just cut it off. Clint was scarred for life after he went to go eat some Pringles and found your severed hand instead of chips. (The idea for this rule comes from the wonderful commenter Roger.)

2\. The Avengers are not allowed to get into bar fights. Seriously. I am not going to bail you out of jail a fifteenth time.

3\. Bucky and Natasha are not allowed to wear their matching 'Fuck the Patriarchy' T-shirts to the White House.

4\. Steve, please refrain from arguing with Fox News reporters. 

5\. Tony, please don't give any more kitchen appliances sentience. The fire-breathing oven was bad enough, we don't need a flying toaster.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update but I just saw Civil War and it was AWESOME!!

1\. No-one is allowed to convince Peter to go to any gay bars in drag.

2\. You are not allowed to swear on official documents. Seriously Bruce, I expected more from you.

3\. Natasha, you are not allowed to fake your own death to get out of team meetings.

4\. Clint, you are not allowed to help Natasha fake her own death.

5\. There will be absolutely no "Civil War" I forbid it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the addition of the Wonder Twins!

1\. You are not allowed to address Wanda and Pietro as the Wonder Twins.

2\. Drunk zamboni racing is really dumb. Just please don't. (from the lovely commenter michellelove1)

3\. Darcy and Loki are not allowed to be left alone together after they painted the entire Helicarrier hot pink. (credit to the wonderful TheOneFromTheForest)

4\. No pinatas. Especially no spider-filled pinatas. (from the beautiful Stargrazer)

5\. Please don't discuss sex positions during important missions. Or on national television. (from the fantabulous Just a random passerby)

6\. Wade is not allowed to cosplay during missions. (credit for this idea is also due to Just a random passerby)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update. we just had exams so im kind of brain-dead right now

1\. Absolutely NO sentient bathroom fixtures. Clint shot the bathroom mirror with an exploding arrow after it criticized his outfit. (from the great JadaRyl)

2\. No-one is allowed to wear miniskirts. Especially not to press conferences. (from the lovely PewterGreyWolf)

3\. You are not allowed to bet on how long a teammate can hide. We still haven't found either Barnes or Romanoff and it has been THREE days since anyone has seen them. (from the beautiful Super cutie)

4\. Wade is not allowed anywhere near the intercom after he played a remix of Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style for six hours. (from the fantastical Reapergenesis32)

5\. Whoever keeps sending James the Winter is Coming meme could you please, please stop. (adapted from the wonderful Jocosta Silver)

6\. Wade is absolutely not allowed to drink Asgardian liquor in high places. The last time he did this he jumped off of the side of the Avengers Tower screaming "Spidey catch me!!" needless to say, Peter did not catch him and now people are suing us for 'being traumatized'. Please just don't. (from the perfect Thegirlwiththerainboweyes)

7\. No-one is allowed to camouflage themselves and scare people. Those junior agents were traumatized Barton. (from the brilliant passionetterwriter)


	18. Chapter 18

1\. Tony is no longer allowed to watch Mythbusters. Wade and Loki are also not allowed to watch Mythbusters after they tried to recreate some of the episodes.

2\. No-one is allowed to play or sing Hamilton after 10pm. I swear to God if I hear one more "Mr. Burr, sir." I will send you all on a mission to the Sahara Desert. (idea from the beautiful nightmarehunter676 on fanfiction.net)

3\. Wade is not allowed to cut off pieces of himself and string them around the Tower and the Helicarrier. Several agents have been traumatized. (from the lovely BuckyBear)

4\. From now on, Wade and Black Widow are no longer allowed to sit next to each other when using a computer. The last time they did, they wrote an inappropriate fan-fiction consisting of everyone being paired up with everyone. For the record, I prefer Steve and Bucky together. (from the fantastic passionettewriter)

5\. Wade, "I have acknowledged that you've made a decision to keep me out of the intercoms, but given that it is a stupid ass decision, I have elected to ignore it." Is not a valid excuse for breaking into SHIELD headquarter's intercom. (from the amazingly wonderful allietheepic7)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really, really sorry for the late update. my long distance gf just told me that she couldnt make this work so i've been really depressed lately and couldn't find theis energy to work on this

1\. Tony is forbidden from watching the Princess Bride. Him reciting the "you killed my father prepare to die" line, never was and never will be funny. (from the wonderful JocastaSilver)

2\. Wade isn't allowed to wrap Peter in duct tape, he's already traumatized enough. (yet another great rule from the wonderful JocastaSilver)

3\. Wade isn't allowed to wrap ANYONE in duct tape. In fact, Wade isn't allowed to TOUCH duct tape anymore. (based off of the rule from the fantastic JocastaSilver)

4\. Clint you are not allowed to shoot Deadpool in the head just because you want to reenact an episode of the walking dead with him as a walker. (from the lovely Higurashirose)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, the wonderful Shotthroughttheheart made a fic based off of one of my rules!!! Read it here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7290631


	20. A Chapter Based Entirely On Rules from the Perfect Shotthroughttheheart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All rules from the fantastic Shotthroughttheheart. Love ya!

1\. No Tony you cannot buy Pokemon Go. No you cannot make an Avenger themed version of Pokemon Go, nor can you name it Avenger Go.

2\. Do not play Pokemon Go in the middle of a battle. I don't care if you are multitasking, it is unadvised and extremely unsafe to do so. 

3\. You cannot use Thor's hammer to summon lightening to charge up your phones just to play/catch/or hunt in Pokemon Go. (I got a Jigglypuff that's CP is 230. Top that Tony.)

4\. We will not pay for any damages towards your phone. (Stop using Thor's Hammer)

5\. No Tony, you cannot simply hack into Pokemon Go to catch the hackers. Tony you cannot try to 'improve' their servers either.

6\. Steve, this is not a team bonding exercise no matter if Pokemon Go allows you to battle each other. Four company stores are complaining about your teams rambunctious behavior in the middle of the store. Not only that, but the battle between Peter, Bruce, and Tony went way too far, they ended breaking half of all valuable items and Bruce accidentally turned into the Hulk right in the middle of said stores. 

7\. You are banned from the following stores: IKEA, Sears, Hot Topic, Topical Smoothies, and McDonalds. (Seriously how did you get yourselves banned from a food restaurant?!)

8\. Natasha you cannot kill civilians because they caught said Pokemon first. Nor do any bodily harm towards said persons.

9\. Clint you are not allowed to help Natasha kill, harm, or do anything to anyone that will cause law suits. 

10\. You cannot kill your team members even if they did catch that a Pokemon first. 

11\. Stop putting more bullet holes in JARVIS, he's already helping NASA with Jupiter's launch. (Good job, JARVIS. SHIELD is proud of you)

12\. Please stop traumatizing Clint, we already have enough complaints about Steve's and Bucky's relationship goals. Please stop adding more, that includes you too, Peter, Wade, Loki, and Tony. 

13\. Sam please stop sending cat videos, memes, pictures, or anything relating to cats to Black Panther. (We don't need to pay for his bills either.)

14\. No there won't be any Civil Wars in Pokemon Go. I refuse it. 

15\. Peter as much as I gladly appreciate your efforts but you cannot have a Pokemon battle with your enemies. (On seconds thought go on ahead and have a Pokemon battle with them. Cost efficiency.)

16\. No you cannot leave the Tower at 3 am just to hunt for some more Pokemon. 

17\. Steve, please stop naming all your Pokemon Bucky, Howard, Communist, Commie, Communism, Nazi Zombies, Hydra, SHIELD, Capitalism, Capitalist, Capitalist Pig, Fox News Lies, and any body parts of Bucky. (There are children playing on that and the news media had a field day.) 

18\. Who ever taught Thor 'Peanut butter jelly time' better step up now.

19\. Stop teaching Thor any new phrases, terms, sexual items/phrases, pick up lines, religious beliefs, and cuss words. (Bruce your're better than this.) 

20\. No you cannot take the Queen Jet, Black Jet, or any other jets just to fly to some important place just to get Pokestops. 

21\. No Tony you cannot simply buy twenty-one thousand incense just to catch Pokemon. We advise you against wasting your money.


	21. not a real chapter v. short

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just what it says on the tin

1\. You are not allowed to clone Bucky.

1.5. You are not allowed to clone any of your teammates. Two Buckys are more than enough.

2\. I have said it once and I will say it again. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE BEYONCE A MEMBER OF THE AVENGERS! No secret midnight meetings and no publicly disclosing celebrity/ important government scandals.


	22. Chapter 22

1\. Please stop referring to Director Fury as "Director Furry." Please.

2\. Natasha is no longer allowed to attend protests without adult supervision after the incident with the smoke grenades. 

3\. Wade, you're not allowed to threaten to violently murder politicians. Nor are you allowed to actually murder them.

4\. No-one is allowed to fight crime if they haven't slept in more than three days after Peter fell asleep midswing and slammed into a building.

5\. Stop challenging each other to eat massive amounts of food. Natasha ate nine pounds of pizza rolls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I'm back!


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> holy shit i'm so sorry i was gone for so long i had a midlife crisis and realized i'm a gay trans boy(tm) (also my qpr moved and i got super depressed)

1\. NO DABBING I DONT CARE HOW "IRONIC" IT IS I WILL DESTROY YOU

2\. Wade stop trolling Internet sites since by last count you are now banned from the EA forums, fanfiction.net, Amazon.com, a couple of cooking sites, and Reddit. 

2.5 Peter, you aren't allowed to let Wade use your info on the sites he banned from just to continue trolling. 

3.Whoever decided to turn the meeting room into a disco room, confess and I won't send you on a mission to Siberia. 

4\. Bucky is not allowed to have an emo phase. Please. We can't keep spending this much on eyeliner. 

5\. Steve, stop impulsively online shopping or I swear I will suspend both your PayPal and Amazon accounts. YOU BOUGHT AN AQUARIUM. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE FISH. 

6\. Likewise, Wade is no longer allowed to buy As Seen On TV products. Please. Wade, they don't work. You can't try and use a Wonder Mop(tm) to clean up your enemies. 

7\. Natasha, please don't hunt down people that send you spam email. They've started suing.

8\. Jesus H Christ, Tony you CANNOT run for president. (Steve, go for it.)

9\. Loki please stop turning the hair of important government officials into wild animals. That weasel nearly leaked the nuclear launch codes. 

10\. NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO ASSASSINATE THE PRESIDENT. (Publicly at least.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rules 2-3 are from the wonderfully lovely JocastaSilver!!!! (thanksies!!)
> 
> also - follow me on tumblr at dimensionwarper!!!!!


	24. Chapter 24

1\. You cannot recruit children as sidekicks. 

2\. Bucky, please stop offering to knife fight people in alleys. 

2\. In fact, no one is allowed to hold any sort of fight in any sort of alley. At all. 

3\. Please stop using Daredevil as a human lie detector. You cannot keep calling him over to the tower every time you've convinced yourself someone's eaten your food and won't confess. 

4\. Wade, please stop asking about a “DC/Marvel Crossover.” I don't know what you're talking about and it's not gonna happen.*

5\. Loki, you aren't allowed to facilitate any sort of “Crossover.”

6\. Robot bees are banned from the tower. Never again.

7\. Steve, please, for the love of God, stop pickpocketing people just because you don't like them. 

8\. Please stop randomly pushing buttons on the Helicarrier because you “just wanna see what it does, c’mon Phil it's a big red button lemme push it.” You nearly initiated the self-destruct procedures. 

9\. Blanket forts are fine. Blanket forts with machine gun turrets are not. Please stop adding deadly weapons to blanket forts. 

10\. You also cannot add deadly weapons to sand castles. 

*yes it will

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so imma write a non-canon crossover chapter so if y'all want you can request a show or book or w/e and if i've heard of it i'll write some rules based on a crossover with that thing!!!


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey so remember when i said i was gonna update regularly? yeah i’m a filthy liar
> 
> anyway enjoy my new chapter!!!!

1\. Bucky is not allowed in any sort of home appliances. We just pulled him out of the dryer. Please don’t put him back.

2\. No more than five throw pillows per couch. (HOW DID YOU EVEN ORDER THAT MANY?! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW GUCCI MADE THROW PILLOWS LET ALONE FIVE HUNDRED OF THEM)

3\. Please stop buying ridiculous amounts of stuff with Tony’s money when you’re mad at him. He’s impossibly rich so it doesn’t matter to him and we just end up with half a dozen life-size glass dinosaur sculptures.

4\. No one is allowed to try and persuade Bruce to try and recreate Jurassic Park.

5\. Please don’t try and fill a swimming pool with coins so you can “go swimming in money”. Clint, it broke both the filtration system and also the floor.

6\. Please stop giving random objects sentient robot arms. The vase keeps stealing my keys.

7\. No genetically enhanced giant bugs. Just no. Please.

8\. No “weaponized confetti bombs”.

9\. No super-intelligent glitter monsters either.

10\. Clint is not allowed to ask for eyes on the back of his head. Tony is not allowed to give them to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun life update (in case you care, which you probably don’t):  
> I GOT A BOYFRIEND AND I LOVE HIM   
> (we’re basically a rl steve and bucky)
> 
>  
> 
> ALSO!!!! I’m working on the crossovers and they should be up soon!!! (as a separate series)


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i feel like i lost the flow a lil bit but here ya go!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “hey tyler i thought you were gonna start updating frequently” WELP IT TURNS OUT IM A LYING BITCH WHO DOESNT HAVE HIS SHIT TOGETHER (anyway thank y’all for putting up with my gotdamn bullshit my garbage life update will be at the end, please enjoy this)

1\. Clint is no longer allowed to print anything after the Meme Bomb Incident of 2018 which is to never be spoken of again. 

2\. Clint is also no longer allowed to send email blasts to ALL OF SHIELD. Especially not email blasts containing personal information about your coworkers. 

3\. Please stop trying to gather blackmail on each other. 

4\. Tony, please stop dunking things in liquid nitrogen and shattering them everywhere. It’s making a mess. 

5\. The only acceptable pets are dogs, cats and possibly a small rodent or reptile that won’t scare Tony. A FLOCK OF THREE HUNDRED CROWS IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE PET. 

6\. Update: when it comes to the Avengers _nothing_ is an acceptable pet. 

7\. You cannot attach a military-grade rocket to a go-kart in an attempt to “go zoom really fast”. 

8\. You cannot attach a military-grade rocket to Pietro to “make him go zoom really REALLY fast”.

9\. No matching tattoos, especially not matching buttock tattoos. 

10\. PLEASE STOP ASKING THE PUNISHER TO “PUNISH ME HARDER DADDY”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sO! boyfriend #1 turned out to be an awful piece of shit and we broke up BUT now i’m in a MUCH better relationship with three lovely and wonderful men whom i love very much!!! also i’m moving house!!!


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn look at me updating semi regularly (even if it is only a half chapter)

1\. No spontaneous rap battles. 

2\. Especially no spontaneous rap battles with pyrotechnics. 

3\. Hand grenades are not an acceptable firework substitute. 

4\. No Youtube challenges. In fact, no Youtube channels at all. 

5\. You cannot enter costume contests dressed as yourselves.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Team A, B, C, and D.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7947430) by [Shotthroughttheheart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shotthroughttheheart/pseuds/Shotthroughttheheart)




End file.
